At times I think very highly of myself. I mean, am a very optimistic person. (Well... Maybe in a heavy dose!) I believe in God and his tricks. And I make friends quite easily. To be frank, I guess that’s one of my traits am very proud of. But I guess that’s one thing I should be very careful about too. (God alone knows who all to trust!) I am a very friendly person. I have a hell lot of friends. They are my greatest treasure. I always try to do everything (and anything) under my control to keep them happy. Yet I hurt them. There was this instance when I had a very big misunderstanding with one of my best friends. I avoided him for how long, I have got no idea. I averted my eyes whenever he came into my sight. I kept my distance from him. Even though it ate me from within not to talk to him, I was adamant. Later on, we sorted out the problems between us. The fights between us have never lasted long. (Thank God!) It was one of those days that he came to me and gave me his pen-drive. There was this message from him which moved my heart. He had written it while we were at the fight.
Nothing much these days… Just a weird feeling there in my heart, a feeling of something seriously bad is going to happen. I am not happy, I miss my best friend. She is now not talking to me properly, I seriously don’t know the reason, I might have done something that eventually made her upset but then she won’t tell me either. Am I that bad now or is my value in her life going down? I don’t want her to love me as a lover but I want her to care about me as a best friend, at least, like I do about her. I seriously do miss her in my life, be it for a second, a minute or even an hour, her very own thought makes me jump off my feet out of joy. Now when I think of her I feel sad, the absence of her is creeping inside me like a dark night. I love her as my best friend I don’t want anything else from her but her friendship. One and a half year and I’ll be gone from this place, I don’t know whether people will remember me or not I seriously don’t know and I seriously don’t care.
All I want from God is that she never forgets me. I don’t know what I will do; I am clenched by this feeling… Every time she is not talking to me I am paralyzed, not able to do anything… All I can do is to feel. I feel her in my every breath, every heart beat, and every blink of my eyes. The trauma, the agony, I don’t know how long will I be able to handle these, I will give up one day. The pain is piling in my heart, I am afraid it will burst out one day, which I don’t want to happen but I am not able to prevent it from making me hollow from inside. I have thought of smoking and drinking to ease out my anxiety, which is entangling me, but then she comes in front of me, her face, the smile, the voice, the promise which I made to her, it all flashes in my mind. Is there in any end to this thing? I am tired of asking her to love me. I can’t force anyone to love me… I guess I have to learn, even if it has to be the hard way. All my wishes to her… Let my all happiness be hers and all her sorrows are mine. I love you, you are my world and I am incomplete without your friendship… You are the part which solves the puzzle of my life. I can live without food and water for days but I won’t last a minute without you… You are my friend forever. You are the special friend whom I have always dreamt of.
Dear Friend... Just want you to know... Even though we have fought (the number of times being ENDLESS!) I have always wanted you back. I can find only one reason for that. I am INCOMPLETE without you – your smile (which can turn the world right for me), your innocence (which is the purest I have ever seen), your support (without which I would have fallen long before), your love (which is unconditional), your friendship (which is unremitting) and above all, your firm belief in me. Thank You.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
A DIARY ENTRY
17-12-2008
Wednesday
Today was a hectic day. Almost everyone in my hostel room had gone home for the ‘fun-filled’ study leave. One of my friends, Lakshmi and me were the only ones left out. After the day’s tiring class, we decided to go for shopping. We were to go home the very next day. It didn’t bother us in the slightest that we were going through a tough phase of ‘recession’ ourselves. She had some 300 Rupees with her whereas I had a meagre 200 with me. As erratic as we were with our money-spending strategies, she decided it would be better to keep a 100 safe at hostel so as to get back home safe and sound. I meekly followed her. Mainly because I didn’t trust myself when it came to spending money. After the safe-keeping of the money, we headed straight to the nearest shopping complex.
It was a huge building with numerous shops. She had plans to buy a present for her father as well as for her little brother. By the time we reached the place, we were all-the-more tired. (We had chosen to go-by-foot to the complex rather than spending an extra 10 Rupees to an auto. As I told you, we were very thoughtful!). We were puffing and panting and our stomachs were rumbling. We came to a halt in front of ‘Aruna Restaurant’. It took us only a moment’s hesitation in deciding what to do! But once we were inside, we decided it would be better to order parcels for us so as we could take them to hostel and eat in peace.
We went to the shopping complex and started our work. We went to almost all the shops in the building but couldn’t find anything suitable for neither her father nor her brother. We thought its better to go the nearest market. Luckily we found the things we sought for in the first stop itself. I sighed with relief. Shopping was definitely tiring. But it was fun too. Finally, we accomplished all our chores and came out of the market. We were talking quite animatedly suddenly when Lakshmi gave a squeal. I couldn’t quite make out the reason for her sudden change in mannerism. My eyes slowly rowed down to the source of her displeasure. It took me no time to find out the reason. Her eyes were glued to her purse, which I realized with quite fervour, was almost empty. In fact there were only a few coins in there.
She asked in a small voice. “Have you got money to pay for the food?” I opened my purse and counted out the money. It added up to 65. I looked at her. She took out her coins that were residing at the very bottom of her purse. It contributed another 5 to our whole amount. It was my turn to look disgruntled. Her eyes said very clearly “Lets not go to the restaurant. The bill will definitely be more than this amount”. But I convinced her we should go ahead and collect the food. (I had done a rough calculation and I was damn sure that the amount would not be more than 70!). Rather apprehensively we climbed the steps to the hotel. On seeing us, the man at the counter took the parcel and gave it to me. But it was not the parcel that I wanted to see. I wanted to get hold of the bill. After what seemed like ages he took out the bill and thrust it into my hand. I looked down to the bottom part of the bill and looked at Lakshmi standing beside me with her mouth wide open.
The bill said it costs us 76 Rupees. I was rather shocked. I looked up the contents to check if it was really our bill or not. That was when I saw the price of each item against it. The hotel had increased at least 4 Rupees for every item. No doubt, the hotel was also going through its own phase of recession! I didn’t have a clue about what to do. I even thought about talking to the man about our present state-of-condition and get a discount of 6 Rupees. But Lakshmi wouldn’t budge. She thought it was too much to ask for! She had another fabulous idea of running away from the hotel to which I wouldn’t agree. (Because we had to visit that hotel again in the future and it would do us no good to be on their black lists!). We stood our ground for exactly 2 minutes. My head was fuming with the exertion of thinking of a solution and with each passing moment our embarrasement was becoming evident on our faces. The man at the counter was looking enquiringly at our sweating faces. I almost gave up thinking when suddenly I spotted three figures on the road opposite to us. I almost hip-hoped with relief. They were our fellow hostel mates. I put Lakshmi in charge of the parcel and ran to them. I took a note of 10 from them and ran back with twice the speed. We paid the bill and literally jumped down the steps to the main road. We had another story to tell our friends!
Wednesday
Today was a hectic day. Almost everyone in my hostel room had gone home for the ‘fun-filled’ study leave. One of my friends, Lakshmi and me were the only ones left out. After the day’s tiring class, we decided to go for shopping. We were to go home the very next day. It didn’t bother us in the slightest that we were going through a tough phase of ‘recession’ ourselves. She had some 300 Rupees with her whereas I had a meagre 200 with me. As erratic as we were with our money-spending strategies, she decided it would be better to keep a 100 safe at hostel so as to get back home safe and sound. I meekly followed her. Mainly because I didn’t trust myself when it came to spending money. After the safe-keeping of the money, we headed straight to the nearest shopping complex.
It was a huge building with numerous shops. She had plans to buy a present for her father as well as for her little brother. By the time we reached the place, we were all-the-more tired. (We had chosen to go-by-foot to the complex rather than spending an extra 10 Rupees to an auto. As I told you, we were very thoughtful!). We were puffing and panting and our stomachs were rumbling. We came to a halt in front of ‘Aruna Restaurant’. It took us only a moment’s hesitation in deciding what to do! But once we were inside, we decided it would be better to order parcels for us so as we could take them to hostel and eat in peace.
We went to the shopping complex and started our work. We went to almost all the shops in the building but couldn’t find anything suitable for neither her father nor her brother. We thought its better to go the nearest market. Luckily we found the things we sought for in the first stop itself. I sighed with relief. Shopping was definitely tiring. But it was fun too. Finally, we accomplished all our chores and came out of the market. We were talking quite animatedly suddenly when Lakshmi gave a squeal. I couldn’t quite make out the reason for her sudden change in mannerism. My eyes slowly rowed down to the source of her displeasure. It took me no time to find out the reason. Her eyes were glued to her purse, which I realized with quite fervour, was almost empty. In fact there were only a few coins in there.
She asked in a small voice. “Have you got money to pay for the food?” I opened my purse and counted out the money. It added up to 65. I looked at her. She took out her coins that were residing at the very bottom of her purse. It contributed another 5 to our whole amount. It was my turn to look disgruntled. Her eyes said very clearly “Lets not go to the restaurant. The bill will definitely be more than this amount”. But I convinced her we should go ahead and collect the food. (I had done a rough calculation and I was damn sure that the amount would not be more than 70!). Rather apprehensively we climbed the steps to the hotel. On seeing us, the man at the counter took the parcel and gave it to me. But it was not the parcel that I wanted to see. I wanted to get hold of the bill. After what seemed like ages he took out the bill and thrust it into my hand. I looked down to the bottom part of the bill and looked at Lakshmi standing beside me with her mouth wide open.
The bill said it costs us 76 Rupees. I was rather shocked. I looked up the contents to check if it was really our bill or not. That was when I saw the price of each item against it. The hotel had increased at least 4 Rupees for every item. No doubt, the hotel was also going through its own phase of recession! I didn’t have a clue about what to do. I even thought about talking to the man about our present state-of-condition and get a discount of 6 Rupees. But Lakshmi wouldn’t budge. She thought it was too much to ask for! She had another fabulous idea of running away from the hotel to which I wouldn’t agree. (Because we had to visit that hotel again in the future and it would do us no good to be on their black lists!). We stood our ground for exactly 2 minutes. My head was fuming with the exertion of thinking of a solution and with each passing moment our embarrasement was becoming evident on our faces. The man at the counter was looking enquiringly at our sweating faces. I almost gave up thinking when suddenly I spotted three figures on the road opposite to us. I almost hip-hoped with relief. They were our fellow hostel mates. I put Lakshmi in charge of the parcel and ran to them. I took a note of 10 from them and ran back with twice the speed. We paid the bill and literally jumped down the steps to the main road. We had another story to tell our friends!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
REALITY BITES!
I guess each and everyone on this earth has a best friend or even best friends. I was a person who believed in the theory of best friends. And I believed in the divinity of such relations. I got my first of that kind while I was in my 4th standard. Her name is Sneha. She is still one of my closest. Even after I went to RAK we still had contact. We used to write letters every now and then. I have preserved every one of those. I used to wonder how we kept contact for so long. We had had our ups and downs but we overcame those to remain the best.
I had another friend whom I thought was my best friend. We were really close (or I thought so). Life was so easy being with her. We had almost everything in common. But something didn’t really click. Everything between us just shattered in one moment. I never understood the reason and still am unaware of that. Maybe it was my mistake. And I did apologize. But somehow I knew I was innocent. And that I had made friends with a green-eyed monster. At first I just thought she was going through a state of transition when she began keeping her distance from me. But then I understood it wasn’t a transition at all. She was never really close to me. I was just being fooled. I loved her more than my parents back then. But all I got back was just unemotional love. I didn’t try to (ever) open my eyes to that. But when I did open my eyes, it came as a crash. I couldn’t take the fact that she was just playing a ‘best friends’ game. I felt deceived. But I didn’t want to lose her. I kept making excuses for her indifference. To myself...
Those were the times when I thought life was much better without best friends. What was the point in having one which doesn’t care for you and lies to you right to your face? There was an instance when she lied to me and I caught her red-handed. She had her own reasons for everything. I kept my feelings to myself. It came to an explosion state when I decided to have a talk with her. But it wasn’t a big success. She just stood her ground. To her, friendship was nothing. I took a decision then. That I would never jump into another best-friends drama ever again. But it was a vain promise. I had many best friends after that. Some of which I still keep close to my heart. But I never forgot my experience with her. It had taught me a lesson. I was careful not to get too close with anyone. I never tried to maintain contact with her. But she made it a point to send me post cards every now and then. It always contained the same sentences. ‘I Love You. Forget-Me-Not.’ Every one of those cards made my heart sting. But she isn’t exactly a rare kind. I have met even worse. The thing I don’t seem to understand is, if these guys don’t care about friendship then why do they take the pain to make friends? It is pathetic. It is better to keep aloof from others rather than making friends and disgracing them.
I am friends with this particular girl who don’t give a damn about relations (relations in the sense, friendship). She was in a tough spot nearly 6 months ago. I spent a lot of time fretting about her well-being. But I wonder if she were in the same situation as I was, would she have cared about me? I am in a position now to say that she wouldn’t have. But this person is different from the one I earlier had. The first and foremost being she was raised to be self independent. She could never have true feelings for anyone except her family. She was very reserved. She kept a certain distance from everyone. But little did she realize that she was, in the process, hurting a lot of people. Her coldness meant little to me at first. But later as I got closer to her I began to feel the sheet of ice surrounding her. She was in a cocoon. Unreachable from everything else. It hurt me a lot at that time, to know that I gave my love to a person who gave me nothing in return. Around some time ago I thought its better to speak out my feelings for her rather than hiding them within me. That day we spoke a lot. What surprised me was that she was willing to listen to what I had to say. She was ready to rectify her mistakes. I was happy that she loved me as much as I loved as I loved her. But what future holds for us is, not known!!
I had another friend whom I thought was my best friend. We were really close (or I thought so). Life was so easy being with her. We had almost everything in common. But something didn’t really click. Everything between us just shattered in one moment. I never understood the reason and still am unaware of that. Maybe it was my mistake. And I did apologize. But somehow I knew I was innocent. And that I had made friends with a green-eyed monster. At first I just thought she was going through a state of transition when she began keeping her distance from me. But then I understood it wasn’t a transition at all. She was never really close to me. I was just being fooled. I loved her more than my parents back then. But all I got back was just unemotional love. I didn’t try to (ever) open my eyes to that. But when I did open my eyes, it came as a crash. I couldn’t take the fact that she was just playing a ‘best friends’ game. I felt deceived. But I didn’t want to lose her. I kept making excuses for her indifference. To myself...
Those were the times when I thought life was much better without best friends. What was the point in having one which doesn’t care for you and lies to you right to your face? There was an instance when she lied to me and I caught her red-handed. She had her own reasons for everything. I kept my feelings to myself. It came to an explosion state when I decided to have a talk with her. But it wasn’t a big success. She just stood her ground. To her, friendship was nothing. I took a decision then. That I would never jump into another best-friends drama ever again. But it was a vain promise. I had many best friends after that. Some of which I still keep close to my heart. But I never forgot my experience with her. It had taught me a lesson. I was careful not to get too close with anyone. I never tried to maintain contact with her. But she made it a point to send me post cards every now and then. It always contained the same sentences. ‘I Love You. Forget-Me-Not.’ Every one of those cards made my heart sting. But she isn’t exactly a rare kind. I have met even worse. The thing I don’t seem to understand is, if these guys don’t care about friendship then why do they take the pain to make friends? It is pathetic. It is better to keep aloof from others rather than making friends and disgracing them.
I am friends with this particular girl who don’t give a damn about relations (relations in the sense, friendship). She was in a tough spot nearly 6 months ago. I spent a lot of time fretting about her well-being. But I wonder if she were in the same situation as I was, would she have cared about me? I am in a position now to say that she wouldn’t have. But this person is different from the one I earlier had. The first and foremost being she was raised to be self independent. She could never have true feelings for anyone except her family. She was very reserved. She kept a certain distance from everyone. But little did she realize that she was, in the process, hurting a lot of people. Her coldness meant little to me at first. But later as I got closer to her I began to feel the sheet of ice surrounding her. She was in a cocoon. Unreachable from everything else. It hurt me a lot at that time, to know that I gave my love to a person who gave me nothing in return. Around some time ago I thought its better to speak out my feelings for her rather than hiding them within me. That day we spoke a lot. What surprised me was that she was willing to listen to what I had to say. She was ready to rectify her mistakes. I was happy that she loved me as much as I loved as I loved her. But what future holds for us is, not known!!
Friday, February 20, 2009
WHAT I NEVER KNEW!
I decided its better to keep my tongue glued to my mouth’s roof rather than using it only to make things worse. I simply kept my face calm and said “What makes you think it’s really him?” She said “I knew it from your face.” I was torn between my desire to let him know my feelings and my fear of what would happen. My mind told me to go ahead and take the risk. It took me only a moment to decide. It was time to beat my fear! The doomsday came sooner than I expected. I was home when I got a call from my friend (who was his friend and my messenger to him). She said she was going to present my ‘problem’ to Mr. S today and that I would better be ready for the response. As usual I went for my Math tuition that afternoon. I had carried a tissue with me, just in case. The moment I stepped out of my dad’s car, I saw her. I couldn’t control my excitement. She walked to me rather bleakly. I kept my fingers crossed. But I knew what his answer was even before she opened her mouth. I was thankful to God that I had taken the tissue.
It took me several days to accept the truth. But then, I never wanted to have a relationship with him. All I wanted was to carry the little secret in my heart and treasure it. I never wanted him to know about it. All I wanted was to look at him without him knowing what I was doing. Or why I was doing it. My eyes filled even without my knowledge when I thought about him. The little secret was no more. It ended with a blast. He had even threatened me not to go near his brother ever again. But he was no one to order me around. I still kept my eyes open for the little bro. I never thought about him again (but nevertheless he seemed to come to my mind more and more). At times I saw him but I kept my feelings in check. Slowly (really slowly) I gained control over my feelings. I erased him out of me. But the thoughts would never go away completely. People say that one cannot completely forget their first love. It took me some eight months to get over him.
Those eight months marked my addiction to net. At first I turned to net as a mode of time pass. But within weeks I was completely engulfed in its fantasy. I couldn’t think of anything else other than chatting. I made friends with everyone I came across. I neglected my studies. In fact I neglected everyone around me. My exam figures kept going down and the net charges started creeping up. My father thought it would be safe to cut the net connection. But by this time chatting had become an inevitable necessity in my life. I had even made a close friend (out of hundreds). His name was Prashanth. He was 5-6 years senior to me. What made me and him close was our common hobby (writing poems). We even used to chat through phone. Slowly (really slowly), my net addiction wore off. I even stopped my talks with Prashanth. I came to my senses just in time to prevent my dad from severing the connection. By that time I was in my 10th and the pressure of studies was getting onto me. My 10th standard was eventful. In every sense… It was time for more action.
Earlier my life was centered on S. Now I began to see the world more clearly. With new eyes... It was a refreshing year for me. I overcame my addiction to net completely. I turned my energy to new realms of passing time. Reading became my first and foremost hobby. Music became my passion. I was getting better and better at my studies. Math was my favorite subject (still it is!). This could be attributed to my tuition sir. He was my role model. My 10th was coming to an end. The board exams were looming in closer. I joined a tuition class for Science a week before my mains. This decision was mainly due to the fact that almost everyone in my class was joining. To my great astonishment I got admitted to a shift where there was none other than (well… you guys got it right!), Mr. S. I still have no idea what happened in those classes. I don’t even know whether my eyes were playing tricks on me. But I knew what I saw. I could feel his furtive glances on me. I thought I knew what those glances meant. But I refused to be a victim again. It took me all my courage to not to return the looks. It was mainly because I had made a very important decision in life during this time. To go back to India and start fresh. It was an idea I got out of nowhere. Many of my friends were leaving for India too. I thought it would be great to go back to my native and start my 11th with new promises and hopes. But it was very hard to convince my parents of this. They didn’t budge even a little to my wish. But I stood my ground. In the end they had to give in to my decision. With great pain but with more convincing promises I flew back to my home… Leaving behind many unanswered questions…
It took me several days to accept the truth. But then, I never wanted to have a relationship with him. All I wanted was to carry the little secret in my heart and treasure it. I never wanted him to know about it. All I wanted was to look at him without him knowing what I was doing. Or why I was doing it. My eyes filled even without my knowledge when I thought about him. The little secret was no more. It ended with a blast. He had even threatened me not to go near his brother ever again. But he was no one to order me around. I still kept my eyes open for the little bro. I never thought about him again (but nevertheless he seemed to come to my mind more and more). At times I saw him but I kept my feelings in check. Slowly (really slowly) I gained control over my feelings. I erased him out of me. But the thoughts would never go away completely. People say that one cannot completely forget their first love. It took me some eight months to get over him.
Those eight months marked my addiction to net. At first I turned to net as a mode of time pass. But within weeks I was completely engulfed in its fantasy. I couldn’t think of anything else other than chatting. I made friends with everyone I came across. I neglected my studies. In fact I neglected everyone around me. My exam figures kept going down and the net charges started creeping up. My father thought it would be safe to cut the net connection. But by this time chatting had become an inevitable necessity in my life. I had even made a close friend (out of hundreds). His name was Prashanth. He was 5-6 years senior to me. What made me and him close was our common hobby (writing poems). We even used to chat through phone. Slowly (really slowly), my net addiction wore off. I even stopped my talks with Prashanth. I came to my senses just in time to prevent my dad from severing the connection. By that time I was in my 10th and the pressure of studies was getting onto me. My 10th standard was eventful. In every sense… It was time for more action.
Earlier my life was centered on S. Now I began to see the world more clearly. With new eyes... It was a refreshing year for me. I overcame my addiction to net completely. I turned my energy to new realms of passing time. Reading became my first and foremost hobby. Music became my passion. I was getting better and better at my studies. Math was my favorite subject (still it is!). This could be attributed to my tuition sir. He was my role model. My 10th was coming to an end. The board exams were looming in closer. I joined a tuition class for Science a week before my mains. This decision was mainly due to the fact that almost everyone in my class was joining. To my great astonishment I got admitted to a shift where there was none other than (well… you guys got it right!), Mr. S. I still have no idea what happened in those classes. I don’t even know whether my eyes were playing tricks on me. But I knew what I saw. I could feel his furtive glances on me. I thought I knew what those glances meant. But I refused to be a victim again. It took me all my courage to not to return the looks. It was mainly because I had made a very important decision in life during this time. To go back to India and start fresh. It was an idea I got out of nowhere. Many of my friends were leaving for India too. I thought it would be great to go back to my native and start my 11th with new promises and hopes. But it was very hard to convince my parents of this. They didn’t budge even a little to my wish. But I stood my ground. In the end they had to give in to my decision. With great pain but with more convincing promises I flew back to my home… Leaving behind many unanswered questions…
Friday, February 6, 2009
TRUTH OR DARE?
Well, l had forgotten to tell you guys something. Mr. S’s little bro ‘Juma’ had joined in school (LKG) in my 9th standard. Hmm... He was such a cutie. So bubbly and sweet. You can guess what might have happened. I decided to turn my charm on him. Nat and I found time to go and spend a little time with the little boy everyday. It wasn’t exactly a big success. We would have our lunch early and go straight to the nursery section and start wandering in front of his class. He started noticing us after weeks’ worth of effort. We made sure we were in his vicinity all through the whole lunch break (which started at 11 am and extended till noon). Slowly I gained his trust. He would slide out of his chair and come straight to me whenever he saw me. Tell you the truth, it was a nice feeling. To have captured the little heart (even though it consumed our precious lunch hour). And yes it was a beginning. Step number one to get to Mr. S.
Our Sports Day came in November. I was in the Yellow house. The hero was in Green. We had the usual events (I quit my 200 m running race in the middle saying I sprained my ankle!). My friends and I were chatting in our class after the events. We decided to play ‘Truth or Dare’ which was the play of the year. For those guys who don’t know what ‘Truth or Dare’ is, I can explain. A group of people sit around a circle and a pen is placed in the middle. One of us has to spin the pen. When the pen comes to rest, the person on whom the pen’s tip is pointed to (VICTIM) will get to answer a question from the person sitting at the position of the pen’s tail (EXECUTIONER). The question is “TRUTH OR DARE?” If the victim chooses ‘TRUTH’, he will have to answer any question shot to him by the executioner. The question can be from any field (for example, love, crushes, almost anything) and he is required to answer that truthfully. If he chooses ‘DARE’ (some people resort to this because they don’t have to disclose personal matters by selecting ‘TRUTH’), he will get to do something nasty framed by the executioner.
I was laughing so hard at one of my close friend’s fate (she had to do a dare!) when the horrible pen decided to stop spinning when its tip was pointed at me. My smile froze in my face. Because I had never had the guts to do a dare back then and my mind wasn’t exactly free of secrets (the HERO for instance!). I cursed the moment I agreed to play the game. I pasted a smile on to my face and stared at my executioner dolefully. She asked “TRUTH OR DARE?” I said (after a long moment of internal struggle), ‘TRUTH’. She shot her question: “Do you have any crushes?” I stumbled. But my gaze never wavered from hers. She had a winning smile on her lips. For a moment I thought of saying no. Because can you actually call what I had for him as just a CRUSH? Something that I cherished for quite a long time by that period? The years I spent in pursuit of him? Was it just a crush? I didn’t think so (nor do I think like that now). If what I had for was just a crush, it would have gone long by then. No, it wasn’t just a crush. I was about to say ‘no’ when my tongue cheated on me. I couldn’t believe what I heard. I had gone out of mind and had answered a ‘YES’. It was a long moment before the others took their eyes out of mine. I realized I was sweating.
They were quiet for a minute or so. Then the shower of questions began. ‘Who is he?’ ‘Which class is he in?’ ‘Does he know?’ I didn’t know which one to answer first. I decided to play it safe (but the damage was irreparable). I told them I had a crush on one of our batch mates and that I couldn’t disclose his name and that it was only just a little crush. In fact I told them it was just an infatuation. Nat was looking at me sideways and I couldn’t meet her eyes. My heart was fuming. It was a secret that I preserved for years. And it was all going down the drain.
They never got tired from questioning me. They quit playing ‘TRUTH OR DARE’ and started a new one: ‘WHO IS SACHU’S CRUSH?’ I was torn between my desire to jump and start running away from the room and sitting there in midst of them. I was about to get up from my seat when one of them mentioned his name. My heart did a somersault again (it did the first somersault when I first laid my eyes on him and it was a huge success!). I was hoping against hope that they wouldn’t direct the name at me when they caught Nat smiling serenely (for me it was the ghost smile!). I kept my face emotionless (as if I didn’t know whom they were talking about!). But I knew the game was finally over. I had let them all in to my secret which I had kept close to my heart for so long.
I decided it was all over. One of them suddenly decided it was declaration time. She said, almost absent-mindedly, ‘You know something? I know him personally. Would you like me to tell him about you?’ I felt my air caught in my lungs. I understood nothing was over. It had just begun. I just kept my gaze leveled to hers and hoped...
Our Sports Day came in November. I was in the Yellow house. The hero was in Green. We had the usual events (I quit my 200 m running race in the middle saying I sprained my ankle!). My friends and I were chatting in our class after the events. We decided to play ‘Truth or Dare’ which was the play of the year. For those guys who don’t know what ‘Truth or Dare’ is, I can explain. A group of people sit around a circle and a pen is placed in the middle. One of us has to spin the pen. When the pen comes to rest, the person on whom the pen’s tip is pointed to (VICTIM) will get to answer a question from the person sitting at the position of the pen’s tail (EXECUTIONER). The question is “TRUTH OR DARE?” If the victim chooses ‘TRUTH’, he will have to answer any question shot to him by the executioner. The question can be from any field (for example, love, crushes, almost anything) and he is required to answer that truthfully. If he chooses ‘DARE’ (some people resort to this because they don’t have to disclose personal matters by selecting ‘TRUTH’), he will get to do something nasty framed by the executioner.
I was laughing so hard at one of my close friend’s fate (she had to do a dare!) when the horrible pen decided to stop spinning when its tip was pointed at me. My smile froze in my face. Because I had never had the guts to do a dare back then and my mind wasn’t exactly free of secrets (the HERO for instance!). I cursed the moment I agreed to play the game. I pasted a smile on to my face and stared at my executioner dolefully. She asked “TRUTH OR DARE?” I said (after a long moment of internal struggle), ‘TRUTH’. She shot her question: “Do you have any crushes?” I stumbled. But my gaze never wavered from hers. She had a winning smile on her lips. For a moment I thought of saying no. Because can you actually call what I had for him as just a CRUSH? Something that I cherished for quite a long time by that period? The years I spent in pursuit of him? Was it just a crush? I didn’t think so (nor do I think like that now). If what I had for was just a crush, it would have gone long by then. No, it wasn’t just a crush. I was about to say ‘no’ when my tongue cheated on me. I couldn’t believe what I heard. I had gone out of mind and had answered a ‘YES’. It was a long moment before the others took their eyes out of mine. I realized I was sweating.
They were quiet for a minute or so. Then the shower of questions began. ‘Who is he?’ ‘Which class is he in?’ ‘Does he know?’ I didn’t know which one to answer first. I decided to play it safe (but the damage was irreparable). I told them I had a crush on one of our batch mates and that I couldn’t disclose his name and that it was only just a little crush. In fact I told them it was just an infatuation. Nat was looking at me sideways and I couldn’t meet her eyes. My heart was fuming. It was a secret that I preserved for years. And it was all going down the drain.
They never got tired from questioning me. They quit playing ‘TRUTH OR DARE’ and started a new one: ‘WHO IS SACHU’S CRUSH?’ I was torn between my desire to jump and start running away from the room and sitting there in midst of them. I was about to get up from my seat when one of them mentioned his name. My heart did a somersault again (it did the first somersault when I first laid my eyes on him and it was a huge success!). I was hoping against hope that they wouldn’t direct the name at me when they caught Nat smiling serenely (for me it was the ghost smile!). I kept my face emotionless (as if I didn’t know whom they were talking about!). But I knew the game was finally over. I had let them all in to my secret which I had kept close to my heart for so long.
I decided it was all over. One of them suddenly decided it was declaration time. She said, almost absent-mindedly, ‘You know something? I know him personally. Would you like me to tell him about you?’ I felt my air caught in my lungs. I understood nothing was over. It had just begun. I just kept my gaze leveled to hers and hoped...
Thursday, November 20, 2008
THE AILMENT EPISODE
As per the instructions of my English teacher, I had bought a ‘Wren and Martin’ English guide and started working on my English language. Though slowly my English started improving and I gained confidence to speak in public. It was during one of those days the third part of Harry Potter came across my hands. I decided to give it a try. To my great surprise I found myself reading the book so keenly that I refused to put it down. By the time I finished the book, I was already wrapped up in the Harry Potter world. It was only because of you Harry that I started focusing on reading more books. Thank you.
Towards the end of my first term in 9th, one day my brother came home with a visitor. The visitor was none other than ‘chicken pox’. He had contracted the infection from one of his classmates. I was scared to my wits. My mom started advising me that those who get scared will get infected easily (she could say that because she had zero percent chance of getting ‘Mr. C.P.’ since she had suffered from it in childhood!). My dad and I shared similar outlook towards the disease. I completely avoided my bro unless I could help it. But as everyone says, nothing can change what’s in store for us. My dad and I got the signs the day my bro bathed. In my case, it was in the form of a small pimple on my right arm (of which I have still got a mark!). There began the 15 days of torture. The only consolation was that I ha company (my dad, I mean). Poor my mom. She tired herself out by aiding to us. It was the horrible itchy feeling on the infected areas that made me go berserk. I was not allowed even to scratch (God help me). My mom would scream at me whenever I tried to take my anger out on the pimples. But I always managed to caress them without her noticing.
It was with great relief that I welcomed the 16th day of my ailment. I could finally go to school and meet my friends. When I stepped onto my class my first thing they asked me was “You said you got chicken pox? But where are the marks?”. Even though I had worked on my pimples so fervently, they all disappeared without leaving a trace for which I am still grateful.
Towards the end of my first term in 9th, one day my brother came home with a visitor. The visitor was none other than ‘chicken pox’. He had contracted the infection from one of his classmates. I was scared to my wits. My mom started advising me that those who get scared will get infected easily (she could say that because she had zero percent chance of getting ‘Mr. C.P.’ since she had suffered from it in childhood!). My dad and I shared similar outlook towards the disease. I completely avoided my bro unless I could help it. But as everyone says, nothing can change what’s in store for us. My dad and I got the signs the day my bro bathed. In my case, it was in the form of a small pimple on my right arm (of which I have still got a mark!). There began the 15 days of torture. The only consolation was that I ha company (my dad, I mean). Poor my mom. She tired herself out by aiding to us. It was the horrible itchy feeling on the infected areas that made me go berserk. I was not allowed even to scratch (God help me). My mom would scream at me whenever I tried to take my anger out on the pimples. But I always managed to caress them without her noticing.
It was with great relief that I welcomed the 16th day of my ailment. I could finally go to school and meet my friends. When I stepped onto my class my first thing they asked me was “You said you got chicken pox? But where are the marks?”. Even though I had worked on my pimples so fervently, they all disappeared without leaving a trace for which I am still grateful.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
My Best Friend
In the meantime, my school life was getting unbearable. It was during one of these days that l saw HIM wandering in my school. That was quite a SHOCK. Now, dont expect background music. Atleast not right now.
As the second term of my 6th standard blossomed, a new bud arrived in my class. A newcomer from Trivandrum. We got together. Life went on(as it does always). l grew. Old friendships withered and new ones sprouted. Meanwhile my attraction to Mr.S grew stronger.
It was towards the end of my 8th that me and Nat got to know each other. As we began to spend time together, l found out we shared similar interests. The most foremost being our mutual attraction to the star of the time "Dileep". What more to say, she had her birthday on October 28th, just two days from mine. By the start of 9th we began to sit together and were marked as 'siamese twins' by my other classmates.
All of a sudden, one day our class teacher had this weird idea of rearranging the positions of her students(our class was girls only). My heart did a somersault upon hearing this news. We were seated at the very last desks. l was on all fours pleading to God that we become invisible to her. But alas, her searching eyes found me and Nat. She called out "Nat, you come and sit here at Fathima's place and you, Fathima can go sit at her's". l solemnly watched as Nat picked up her books and walked over to her new destiny. My tear glands started working and the next thing l knew, l was crying out uncontrollably. My new partner watched helplessly as l bawled like a small kid. The whole class had their eyes on me. Needless to say, my tears melted our class teacher's 'marble-like' heart and she obligingly brought Nat back to me. l dutifully wiped my tears away. As the class dispersed, Nat whispered to me:"That was qiute a show!". But tell you what friends, by that single incident we were marked 'The Unbreakables'.
As the second term of my 6th standard blossomed, a new bud arrived in my class. A newcomer from Trivandrum. We got together. Life went on(as it does always). l grew. Old friendships withered and new ones sprouted. Meanwhile my attraction to Mr.S grew stronger.
It was towards the end of my 8th that me and Nat got to know each other. As we began to spend time together, l found out we shared similar interests. The most foremost being our mutual attraction to the star of the time "Dileep". What more to say, she had her birthday on October 28th, just two days from mine. By the start of 9th we began to sit together and were marked as 'siamese twins' by my other classmates.
All of a sudden, one day our class teacher had this weird idea of rearranging the positions of her students(our class was girls only). My heart did a somersault upon hearing this news. We were seated at the very last desks. l was on all fours pleading to God that we become invisible to her. But alas, her searching eyes found me and Nat. She called out "Nat, you come and sit here at Fathima's place and you, Fathima can go sit at her's". l solemnly watched as Nat picked up her books and walked over to her new destiny. My tear glands started working and the next thing l knew, l was crying out uncontrollably. My new partner watched helplessly as l bawled like a small kid. The whole class had their eyes on me. Needless to say, my tears melted our class teacher's 'marble-like' heart and she obligingly brought Nat back to me. l dutifully wiped my tears away. As the class dispersed, Nat whispered to me:"That was qiute a show!". But tell you what friends, by that single incident we were marked 'The Unbreakables'.
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