I guess each and everyone on this earth has a best friend or even best friends. I was a person who believed in the theory of best friends. And I believed in the divinity of such relations. I got my first of that kind while I was in my 4th standard. Her name is Sneha. She is still one of my closest. Even after I went to RAK we still had contact. We used to write letters every now and then. I have preserved every one of those. I used to wonder how we kept contact for so long. We had had our ups and downs but we overcame those to remain the best.
I had another friend whom I thought was my best friend. We were really close (or I thought so). Life was so easy being with her. We had almost everything in common. But something didn’t really click. Everything between us just shattered in one moment. I never understood the reason and still am unaware of that. Maybe it was my mistake. And I did apologize. But somehow I knew I was innocent. And that I had made friends with a green-eyed monster. At first I just thought she was going through a state of transition when she began keeping her distance from me. But then I understood it wasn’t a transition at all. She was never really close to me. I was just being fooled. I loved her more than my parents back then. But all I got back was just unemotional love. I didn’t try to (ever) open my eyes to that. But when I did open my eyes, it came as a crash. I couldn’t take the fact that she was just playing a ‘best friends’ game. I felt deceived. But I didn’t want to lose her. I kept making excuses for her indifference. To myself...
Those were the times when I thought life was much better without best friends. What was the point in having one which doesn’t care for you and lies to you right to your face? There was an instance when she lied to me and I caught her red-handed. She had her own reasons for everything. I kept my feelings to myself. It came to an explosion state when I decided to have a talk with her. But it wasn’t a big success. She just stood her ground. To her, friendship was nothing. I took a decision then. That I would never jump into another best-friends drama ever again. But it was a vain promise. I had many best friends after that. Some of which I still keep close to my heart. But I never forgot my experience with her. It had taught me a lesson. I was careful not to get too close with anyone. I never tried to maintain contact with her. But she made it a point to send me post cards every now and then. It always contained the same sentences. ‘I Love You. Forget-Me-Not.’ Every one of those cards made my heart sting. But she isn’t exactly a rare kind. I have met even worse. The thing I don’t seem to understand is, if these guys don’t care about friendship then why do they take the pain to make friends? It is pathetic. It is better to keep aloof from others rather than making friends and disgracing them.
I am friends with this particular girl who don’t give a damn about relations (relations in the sense, friendship). She was in a tough spot nearly 6 months ago. I spent a lot of time fretting about her well-being. But I wonder if she were in the same situation as I was, would she have cared about me? I am in a position now to say that she wouldn’t have. But this person is different from the one I earlier had. The first and foremost being she was raised to be self independent. She could never have true feelings for anyone except her family. She was very reserved. She kept a certain distance from everyone. But little did she realize that she was, in the process, hurting a lot of people. Her coldness meant little to me at first. But later as I got closer to her I began to feel the sheet of ice surrounding her. She was in a cocoon. Unreachable from everything else. It hurt me a lot at that time, to know that I gave my love to a person who gave me nothing in return. Around some time ago I thought its better to speak out my feelings for her rather than hiding them within me. That day we spoke a lot. What surprised me was that she was willing to listen to what I had to say. She was ready to rectify her mistakes. I was happy that she loved me as much as I loved as I loved her. But what future holds for us is, not known!!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
WHAT I NEVER KNEW!
I decided its better to keep my tongue glued to my mouth’s roof rather than using it only to make things worse. I simply kept my face calm and said “What makes you think it’s really him?” She said “I knew it from your face.” I was torn between my desire to let him know my feelings and my fear of what would happen. My mind told me to go ahead and take the risk. It took me only a moment to decide. It was time to beat my fear! The doomsday came sooner than I expected. I was home when I got a call from my friend (who was his friend and my messenger to him). She said she was going to present my ‘problem’ to Mr. S today and that I would better be ready for the response. As usual I went for my Math tuition that afternoon. I had carried a tissue with me, just in case. The moment I stepped out of my dad’s car, I saw her. I couldn’t control my excitement. She walked to me rather bleakly. I kept my fingers crossed. But I knew what his answer was even before she opened her mouth. I was thankful to God that I had taken the tissue.
It took me several days to accept the truth. But then, I never wanted to have a relationship with him. All I wanted was to carry the little secret in my heart and treasure it. I never wanted him to know about it. All I wanted was to look at him without him knowing what I was doing. Or why I was doing it. My eyes filled even without my knowledge when I thought about him. The little secret was no more. It ended with a blast. He had even threatened me not to go near his brother ever again. But he was no one to order me around. I still kept my eyes open for the little bro. I never thought about him again (but nevertheless he seemed to come to my mind more and more). At times I saw him but I kept my feelings in check. Slowly (really slowly) I gained control over my feelings. I erased him out of me. But the thoughts would never go away completely. People say that one cannot completely forget their first love. It took me some eight months to get over him.
Those eight months marked my addiction to net. At first I turned to net as a mode of time pass. But within weeks I was completely engulfed in its fantasy. I couldn’t think of anything else other than chatting. I made friends with everyone I came across. I neglected my studies. In fact I neglected everyone around me. My exam figures kept going down and the net charges started creeping up. My father thought it would be safe to cut the net connection. But by this time chatting had become an inevitable necessity in my life. I had even made a close friend (out of hundreds). His name was Prashanth. He was 5-6 years senior to me. What made me and him close was our common hobby (writing poems). We even used to chat through phone. Slowly (really slowly), my net addiction wore off. I even stopped my talks with Prashanth. I came to my senses just in time to prevent my dad from severing the connection. By that time I was in my 10th and the pressure of studies was getting onto me. My 10th standard was eventful. In every sense… It was time for more action.
Earlier my life was centered on S. Now I began to see the world more clearly. With new eyes... It was a refreshing year for me. I overcame my addiction to net completely. I turned my energy to new realms of passing time. Reading became my first and foremost hobby. Music became my passion. I was getting better and better at my studies. Math was my favorite subject (still it is!). This could be attributed to my tuition sir. He was my role model. My 10th was coming to an end. The board exams were looming in closer. I joined a tuition class for Science a week before my mains. This decision was mainly due to the fact that almost everyone in my class was joining. To my great astonishment I got admitted to a shift where there was none other than (well… you guys got it right!), Mr. S. I still have no idea what happened in those classes. I don’t even know whether my eyes were playing tricks on me. But I knew what I saw. I could feel his furtive glances on me. I thought I knew what those glances meant. But I refused to be a victim again. It took me all my courage to not to return the looks. It was mainly because I had made a very important decision in life during this time. To go back to India and start fresh. It was an idea I got out of nowhere. Many of my friends were leaving for India too. I thought it would be great to go back to my native and start my 11th with new promises and hopes. But it was very hard to convince my parents of this. They didn’t budge even a little to my wish. But I stood my ground. In the end they had to give in to my decision. With great pain but with more convincing promises I flew back to my home… Leaving behind many unanswered questions…
It took me several days to accept the truth. But then, I never wanted to have a relationship with him. All I wanted was to carry the little secret in my heart and treasure it. I never wanted him to know about it. All I wanted was to look at him without him knowing what I was doing. Or why I was doing it. My eyes filled even without my knowledge when I thought about him. The little secret was no more. It ended with a blast. He had even threatened me not to go near his brother ever again. But he was no one to order me around. I still kept my eyes open for the little bro. I never thought about him again (but nevertheless he seemed to come to my mind more and more). At times I saw him but I kept my feelings in check. Slowly (really slowly) I gained control over my feelings. I erased him out of me. But the thoughts would never go away completely. People say that one cannot completely forget their first love. It took me some eight months to get over him.
Those eight months marked my addiction to net. At first I turned to net as a mode of time pass. But within weeks I was completely engulfed in its fantasy. I couldn’t think of anything else other than chatting. I made friends with everyone I came across. I neglected my studies. In fact I neglected everyone around me. My exam figures kept going down and the net charges started creeping up. My father thought it would be safe to cut the net connection. But by this time chatting had become an inevitable necessity in my life. I had even made a close friend (out of hundreds). His name was Prashanth. He was 5-6 years senior to me. What made me and him close was our common hobby (writing poems). We even used to chat through phone. Slowly (really slowly), my net addiction wore off. I even stopped my talks with Prashanth. I came to my senses just in time to prevent my dad from severing the connection. By that time I was in my 10th and the pressure of studies was getting onto me. My 10th standard was eventful. In every sense… It was time for more action.
Earlier my life was centered on S. Now I began to see the world more clearly. With new eyes... It was a refreshing year for me. I overcame my addiction to net completely. I turned my energy to new realms of passing time. Reading became my first and foremost hobby. Music became my passion. I was getting better and better at my studies. Math was my favorite subject (still it is!). This could be attributed to my tuition sir. He was my role model. My 10th was coming to an end. The board exams were looming in closer. I joined a tuition class for Science a week before my mains. This decision was mainly due to the fact that almost everyone in my class was joining. To my great astonishment I got admitted to a shift where there was none other than (well… you guys got it right!), Mr. S. I still have no idea what happened in those classes. I don’t even know whether my eyes were playing tricks on me. But I knew what I saw. I could feel his furtive glances on me. I thought I knew what those glances meant. But I refused to be a victim again. It took me all my courage to not to return the looks. It was mainly because I had made a very important decision in life during this time. To go back to India and start fresh. It was an idea I got out of nowhere. Many of my friends were leaving for India too. I thought it would be great to go back to my native and start my 11th with new promises and hopes. But it was very hard to convince my parents of this. They didn’t budge even a little to my wish. But I stood my ground. In the end they had to give in to my decision. With great pain but with more convincing promises I flew back to my home… Leaving behind many unanswered questions…
Friday, February 6, 2009
TRUTH OR DARE?
Well, l had forgotten to tell you guys something. Mr. S’s little bro ‘Juma’ had joined in school (LKG) in my 9th standard. Hmm... He was such a cutie. So bubbly and sweet. You can guess what might have happened. I decided to turn my charm on him. Nat and I found time to go and spend a little time with the little boy everyday. It wasn’t exactly a big success. We would have our lunch early and go straight to the nursery section and start wandering in front of his class. He started noticing us after weeks’ worth of effort. We made sure we were in his vicinity all through the whole lunch break (which started at 11 am and extended till noon). Slowly I gained his trust. He would slide out of his chair and come straight to me whenever he saw me. Tell you the truth, it was a nice feeling. To have captured the little heart (even though it consumed our precious lunch hour). And yes it was a beginning. Step number one to get to Mr. S.
Our Sports Day came in November. I was in the Yellow house. The hero was in Green. We had the usual events (I quit my 200 m running race in the middle saying I sprained my ankle!). My friends and I were chatting in our class after the events. We decided to play ‘Truth or Dare’ which was the play of the year. For those guys who don’t know what ‘Truth or Dare’ is, I can explain. A group of people sit around a circle and a pen is placed in the middle. One of us has to spin the pen. When the pen comes to rest, the person on whom the pen’s tip is pointed to (VICTIM) will get to answer a question from the person sitting at the position of the pen’s tail (EXECUTIONER). The question is “TRUTH OR DARE?” If the victim chooses ‘TRUTH’, he will have to answer any question shot to him by the executioner. The question can be from any field (for example, love, crushes, almost anything) and he is required to answer that truthfully. If he chooses ‘DARE’ (some people resort to this because they don’t have to disclose personal matters by selecting ‘TRUTH’), he will get to do something nasty framed by the executioner.
I was laughing so hard at one of my close friend’s fate (she had to do a dare!) when the horrible pen decided to stop spinning when its tip was pointed at me. My smile froze in my face. Because I had never had the guts to do a dare back then and my mind wasn’t exactly free of secrets (the HERO for instance!). I cursed the moment I agreed to play the game. I pasted a smile on to my face and stared at my executioner dolefully. She asked “TRUTH OR DARE?” I said (after a long moment of internal struggle), ‘TRUTH’. She shot her question: “Do you have any crushes?” I stumbled. But my gaze never wavered from hers. She had a winning smile on her lips. For a moment I thought of saying no. Because can you actually call what I had for him as just a CRUSH? Something that I cherished for quite a long time by that period? The years I spent in pursuit of him? Was it just a crush? I didn’t think so (nor do I think like that now). If what I had for was just a crush, it would have gone long by then. No, it wasn’t just a crush. I was about to say ‘no’ when my tongue cheated on me. I couldn’t believe what I heard. I had gone out of mind and had answered a ‘YES’. It was a long moment before the others took their eyes out of mine. I realized I was sweating.
They were quiet for a minute or so. Then the shower of questions began. ‘Who is he?’ ‘Which class is he in?’ ‘Does he know?’ I didn’t know which one to answer first. I decided to play it safe (but the damage was irreparable). I told them I had a crush on one of our batch mates and that I couldn’t disclose his name and that it was only just a little crush. In fact I told them it was just an infatuation. Nat was looking at me sideways and I couldn’t meet her eyes. My heart was fuming. It was a secret that I preserved for years. And it was all going down the drain.
They never got tired from questioning me. They quit playing ‘TRUTH OR DARE’ and started a new one: ‘WHO IS SACHU’S CRUSH?’ I was torn between my desire to jump and start running away from the room and sitting there in midst of them. I was about to get up from my seat when one of them mentioned his name. My heart did a somersault again (it did the first somersault when I first laid my eyes on him and it was a huge success!). I was hoping against hope that they wouldn’t direct the name at me when they caught Nat smiling serenely (for me it was the ghost smile!). I kept my face emotionless (as if I didn’t know whom they were talking about!). But I knew the game was finally over. I had let them all in to my secret which I had kept close to my heart for so long.
I decided it was all over. One of them suddenly decided it was declaration time. She said, almost absent-mindedly, ‘You know something? I know him personally. Would you like me to tell him about you?’ I felt my air caught in my lungs. I understood nothing was over. It had just begun. I just kept my gaze leveled to hers and hoped...
Our Sports Day came in November. I was in the Yellow house. The hero was in Green. We had the usual events (I quit my 200 m running race in the middle saying I sprained my ankle!). My friends and I were chatting in our class after the events. We decided to play ‘Truth or Dare’ which was the play of the year. For those guys who don’t know what ‘Truth or Dare’ is, I can explain. A group of people sit around a circle and a pen is placed in the middle. One of us has to spin the pen. When the pen comes to rest, the person on whom the pen’s tip is pointed to (VICTIM) will get to answer a question from the person sitting at the position of the pen’s tail (EXECUTIONER). The question is “TRUTH OR DARE?” If the victim chooses ‘TRUTH’, he will have to answer any question shot to him by the executioner. The question can be from any field (for example, love, crushes, almost anything) and he is required to answer that truthfully. If he chooses ‘DARE’ (some people resort to this because they don’t have to disclose personal matters by selecting ‘TRUTH’), he will get to do something nasty framed by the executioner.
I was laughing so hard at one of my close friend’s fate (she had to do a dare!) when the horrible pen decided to stop spinning when its tip was pointed at me. My smile froze in my face. Because I had never had the guts to do a dare back then and my mind wasn’t exactly free of secrets (the HERO for instance!). I cursed the moment I agreed to play the game. I pasted a smile on to my face and stared at my executioner dolefully. She asked “TRUTH OR DARE?” I said (after a long moment of internal struggle), ‘TRUTH’. She shot her question: “Do you have any crushes?” I stumbled. But my gaze never wavered from hers. She had a winning smile on her lips. For a moment I thought of saying no. Because can you actually call what I had for him as just a CRUSH? Something that I cherished for quite a long time by that period? The years I spent in pursuit of him? Was it just a crush? I didn’t think so (nor do I think like that now). If what I had for was just a crush, it would have gone long by then. No, it wasn’t just a crush. I was about to say ‘no’ when my tongue cheated on me. I couldn’t believe what I heard. I had gone out of mind and had answered a ‘YES’. It was a long moment before the others took their eyes out of mine. I realized I was sweating.
They were quiet for a minute or so. Then the shower of questions began. ‘Who is he?’ ‘Which class is he in?’ ‘Does he know?’ I didn’t know which one to answer first. I decided to play it safe (but the damage was irreparable). I told them I had a crush on one of our batch mates and that I couldn’t disclose his name and that it was only just a little crush. In fact I told them it was just an infatuation. Nat was looking at me sideways and I couldn’t meet her eyes. My heart was fuming. It was a secret that I preserved for years. And it was all going down the drain.
They never got tired from questioning me. They quit playing ‘TRUTH OR DARE’ and started a new one: ‘WHO IS SACHU’S CRUSH?’ I was torn between my desire to jump and start running away from the room and sitting there in midst of them. I was about to get up from my seat when one of them mentioned his name. My heart did a somersault again (it did the first somersault when I first laid my eyes on him and it was a huge success!). I was hoping against hope that they wouldn’t direct the name at me when they caught Nat smiling serenely (for me it was the ghost smile!). I kept my face emotionless (as if I didn’t know whom they were talking about!). But I knew the game was finally over. I had let them all in to my secret which I had kept close to my heart for so long.
I decided it was all over. One of them suddenly decided it was declaration time. She said, almost absent-mindedly, ‘You know something? I know him personally. Would you like me to tell him about you?’ I felt my air caught in my lungs. I understood nothing was over. It had just begun. I just kept my gaze leveled to hers and hoped...
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