WHAT I NEVER KNEW!

I decided its better to keep my tongue glued to my mouth’s roof rather than using it only to make things worse. I simply kept my face calm and said “What makes you think it’s really him?” She said “I knew it from your face.” I was torn between my desire to let him know my feelings and my fear of what would happen. My mind told me to go ahead and take the risk. It took me only a moment to decide. It was time to beat my fear! The doomsday came sooner than I expected. I was home when I got a call from my friend (who was his friend and my messenger to him). She said she was going to present my ‘problem’ to Mr. S today and that I would better be ready for the response. As usual I went for my Math tuition that afternoon. I had carried a tissue with me, just in case. The moment I stepped out of my dad’s car, I saw her. I couldn’t control my excitement. She walked to me rather bleakly. I kept my fingers crossed. But I knew what his answer was even before she opened her mouth. I was thankful to God that I had taken the tissue.


It took me several days to accept the truth. But then, I never wanted to have a relationship with him. All I wanted was to carry the little secret in my heart and treasure it. I never wanted him to know about it. All I wanted was to look at him without him knowing what I was doing. Or why I was doing it. My eyes filled even without my knowledge when I thought about him. The little secret was no more. It ended with a blast. He had even threatened me not to go near his brother ever again. But he was no one to order me around. I still kept my eyes open for the little bro. I never thought about him again (but nevertheless he seemed to come to my mind more and more). At times I saw him but I kept my feelings in check. Slowly (really slowly) I gained control over my feelings. I erased him out of me. But the thoughts would never go away completely. People say that one cannot completely forget their first love. It took me some eight months to get over him.


Those eight months marked my addiction to net. At first I turned to net as a mode of time pass. But within weeks I was completely engulfed in its fantasy. I couldn’t think of anything else other than chatting. I made friends with everyone I came across. I neglected my studies. In fact I neglected everyone around me. My exam figures kept going down and the net charges started creeping up. My father thought it would be safe to cut the net connection. But by this time chatting had become an inevitable necessity in my life. I had even made a close friend (out of hundreds). His name was Prashanth. He was 5-6 years senior to me. What made me and him close was our common hobby (writing poems). We even used to chat through phone. Slowly (really slowly), my net addiction wore off. I even stopped my talks with Prashanth. I came to my senses just in time to prevent my dad from severing the connection. By that time I was in my 10th and the pressure of studies was getting onto me. My 10th standard was eventful. In every sense… It was time for more action.


Earlier my life was centered on S. Now I began to see the world more clearly. With new eyes... It was a refreshing year for me. I overcame my addiction to net completely. I turned my energy to new realms of passing time. Reading became my first and foremost hobby. Music became my passion. I was getting better and better at my studies. Math was my favorite subject (still it is!). This could be attributed to my tuition sir. He was my role model. My 10th was coming to an end. The board exams were looming in closer. I joined a tuition class for Science a week before my mains. This decision was mainly due to the fact that almost everyone in my class was joining. To my great astonishment I got admitted to a shift where there was none other than (well… you guys got it right!), Mr. S. I still have no idea what happened in those classes. I don’t even know whether my eyes were playing tricks on me. But I knew what I saw. I could feel his furtive glances on me. I thought I knew what those glances meant. But I refused to be a victim again. It took me all my courage to not to return the looks. It was mainly because I had made a very important decision in life during this time. To go back to India and start fresh. It was an idea I got out of nowhere. Many of my friends were leaving for India too. I thought it would be great to go back to my native and start my 11th with new promises and hopes. But it was very hard to convince my parents of this. They didn’t budge even a little to my wish. But I stood my ground. In the end they had to give in to my decision. With great pain but with more convincing promises I flew back to my home… Leaving behind many unanswered questions…